


I've Got to Say It and It's Hard for Me

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [25]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:18:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6605308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You don’t have to apologize.  Just know that whenever you're ready then I'm here to listen.  You always listen to me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Got to Say It and It's Hard for Me

“Hey, are you OK?”

“I'm good.” He didn’t look up from the newspaper. Focusing on the cryptogram was the best thing to do at the moment. That headache was better than one for another reason.

“Because I feel like something has been off for the past few days and I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.”

“No, baby, I'm good.”

“Are you sure?” Liv sat down beside him on the couch, putting her hand on his leg.

“Yeah.” Ed nodded.

“Ed, look at me.”

He did what she asked, a little smile crossing his face before it went back to solemn.

“What's wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing’s wrong, I mean it’s personal. It’s not about us; I promise. I just have a lot of things going on in my head and I'm trying to figure them out.”

“And it’s not about us?”

“No.” Ed shook his head. “I promise.”

“Do you need a hug?”

“Yes.” He barely breathed out the word before Olivia wrapped her arms around him. 

Ed held on for dear life. He wanted to talk to her; he loved talking to her. And he always encouraged her to share her thoughts and feelings. There was no need to bottle things up inside. When they were together there was no judgment. There would only be understanding and conversation. Now he was asking Liv to do as he said, not as he did. Ed didn’t like that but he also wasn’t quite sure how to express himself.

“I'm kinda worried about you.” Liv caressed his face.

“I'm so glad you are.” Ed made a face. “Did that come out right?”

“Mostly. You know if you need some space you can go home tonight. Our spending nights together isn't an unbreakable rule. Sometimes we need our own pillows and our little quiet places. Don’t think I wouldn’t understand.”

He nodded. Ed didn’t want to be alone tonight, he wanted to be with Liv. He wanted to kiss, cuddle, make love, and then actually get a good night’s sleep. But his mind was racing and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He'd put some emotional distance between them over the past few days and that wasn’t fair to her. At least it wasn’t without explanation.

“I'm sorry, baby.”

“You don’t have to apologize. Just know that whenever you're ready then I'm here to listen. You always listen to me.”

“My ex-wife and I had a fight and it was stupid. I'm so damn angry about it and don’t know what to do with this rage. I don’t know if I'm mad at her or the situation or just fuckin mad for madness’ sake. And I don’t want you thinking that I still let Betsy get under my skin and that means I still have some kind of feelings for her. I don’t.” Ed shook his head. “I do my best to feel nothing for her because if I don’t then there will just be rage and I can't let my kids feel that. They deserve better than that.”

“What did you two fight about?” Liv turned on the couch and gave him her undivided attention. She was in no way concerned that he might still be in love with a woman he divorced ten years ago. But that was a conversation for some other time.

“It’s the stupidest shit. It’s always the stupidest shit.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“Caitlin wants to dye her hair.” He said. “She's 14 years old but she called me and then she sent me some pictures of dyes she was thinking about using. None were permanent and other girls at school were doing it so it wasn’t going to be an administrative issue. She was afraid to ask her mother; told me they'd been butting heads a lot lately. So she wanted me to talk to Betsy, mediate. 

“I didn’t want to do it. How sad is it that I don’t want to stand up for my own daughter because talking to my ex-wife nearly makes me break out in hives? Betsy thinks she gets the last say where the children are concerned and there has been times when she hasn’t even bothered to consult me. We’ve had some barnburners about it in the past. I never wanted to go there again. But I shut my mouth and brushed aside my worry for my kid.”

“It didn’t go well.” Liv said.

“Betsy went ballistic. This isn't anything new. But she accused me of trying to be friends with the kids instead of a parent, as if Caitlin asked to go to Mexico with friends to do coke instead of for some pink hair dye. Her tirade was about 10 minutes long and she did it in the calmest voice. She likes to use that voice with me so that if I lose my temper then I'm the bad guy. 

“I told her that I thought it was fine if Caitlin dyed her hair and she need not take something like that seriously. She's a good kid who gets good grades and she's not a problem for us. Betsy said I had no idea what it’s like being a parent day to day and you can't just give a kid everything she wants. I am her father; I think I know Caitlin pretty well.”

“How did it end?”

“I ended it before I could say something neither one of us needed to be said.” Ed replied. “I said that this time I was overruling her and Caitlin could dye her hair. I would go with her and purchase the dye and make sure it would wash out in a few shampoos. I said it was just hair dye and the fighting was over. Betsy hung up on me. 

“I called her the next day and got voicemail. I left her a message saying I loved our kids, wanted to support them, and didn’t want to fight every time they wanted or needed something. That was two days ago and she hasn’t called back. Not that I expected she would. I'm gonna take Cait out this weekend. It’s another way for us to bond.”

“It sounds like a lot of fun. I wanted to dye my hair at that age too. My mother would’ve killed me so I just held off until 17 when there was less strife. OK, not much but I was leaving for college in a few months so I just dealt with it. I think that experimenting to a degree, and doing bold things with your person is great for a teenage girl. And it’s a good thing that she wants to involve you in her life as more than just a mediator between her and her mom.”

“I hate that she tries to limit my fatherhood.” Ed said. “I get it, she has primary custody but I'm still a parent. I love my kids and I don’t ever want them to think that I don’t want to be a part of any and every aspect of their lives. I was really happy when Sean came to live with me. It was summer before his senior year of high school and we really got a chance to bond like never before. I don’t think Betsy ever forgave me for taking him. She holds Jason so damn tight.”

“Perhaps she does it out of spite.” Olivia said. “I don’t know her and I won't judge but they're your sons. If she can keep them from you, even pieces of them, she won the imaginary fight you guys have been fighting for 15 years.”

“You are so right. We’ve been fighting for 15 years. I just want to stop. I want us to be able to talk like adults and be cordial to each other. Betsy hates me and it fucks me up because I should hate her. Sometimes I want to, so much, but I can't let myself. I’ll never let it go if I did.

“She cheated on me for half of our marriage. She married Michael when the ink was barely dry on our divorce. But I'm this horrible person for working hard and providing but not being the man she wanted. I have to try so hard not to regret that we ever met because of Sean, Jason, and Caitlin. They’re worth all the gray hair.”

“I know they are.” Olivia ran her hand over his head. “I wish that you and Betsy could get along better, even if it was just to stop the gray hair. But mostly I want you to have the kind of relationship you want with your children. They’re growing up so it’s not something you would take up in the courts per se, but make sure they know that your heart and your door are always open. I didn’t have the best relationship with my mom but she was all I had so it could be quite tough. They don’t need to run to you when they fight with mom but dad should get to be a parent too and enjoy every moment of it.”

“That’s all I want.” Ed said.

“I know.”

“I don’t want you thinking that I let Betsy get to me because I still have feelings for her, Liv. I never want you to think that.”

“I don’t think that.” Liv shook her head. “You have feelings, that’s the important part. You two were married and have three kids…you have feelings, Ed. You don’t have to keep them from me. I'm never going to bash her or judge you. I care about you and don’t want you to have to bottle up emotions like that, especially anger. It rarely resurfaces in healthy ways.”

“I go to the range when I'm really pissed. I go to the range and just shoot. I did that for an hour yesterday afternoon but I guess it was too much going on because it didn’t help like I thought it would.”

“Would ice cream help?”

“Maybe.”

“There’s a pint of cookies and cream in the freezer and McMillan and Wife is back on Netflix. I know it might take a little while for you to come around, and I totally understand that. But it’s a good way to end the night.”

“I'm with you, baby.” Ed took her hand and kissed it. “I'm already ending the night on a good note. Having said that, I'm never one to turn down ice cream or Susan Saint James.”

“You’ve got a type, Tucker. It’s so obvious.”

“C'mere for a minute.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Liv smiled against his lips before his deepened the kiss. The way she moaned, the way her body pressed on his, it almost made him forget about ice cream and 70s cop shows. “You're something very special, Olivia Benson.”

“Well, I don’t like to brag but…” Liv kissed him again. “Would you opposed to watching McMillan and Wife naked?”

“Next you're going to ask me if I even wanna watch it at all.” Ed laughed.

“Underwear; we’ll watch more if we’re in our underwear.”

“I think it’s brilliant that you have no idea what a distraction you are, fully, partially, or not at all clothed.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Lieutenant.” Olivia climbed off the couch and started walking toward the bedroom. She pulled her tee shirt up and over her head while doing so. “I know perfectly well.” Liv tossed the shirt back. “Catch.”

Ed grinned as the shirt hit him in the shoulder. They probably wouldn’t need the ice cream since they would make out the entire time. It had been too many years to count since making out with someone got Ed as excited as he was feeling at the moment. Olivia turned him on in every sense of the word. He couldn’t wait to have his arms around her, kissing her, and touching her skin. 

He couldn’t wait for the way she whispered in his ear and stroked his back. Ed kept the brakes on words to describe the many feelings he might have during any given encounter with Olivia. No need to scare her, or himself, by biting off more than he could chew. But they clearly weren't enemies anymore and they were way more than friends. He liked being more than friends.

***


End file.
